Let me first start this post off by wishing that all of my readers start this week off right. I hope that each of you have started your week off with positivity and are able to carry that on throughout the week. I hope that each of you have had a great weekend and are living life to the fullest. Life is too short to not live in a positive light. I can not stress this enough.
It has officially taken me 3 days to gather my thoughts and exactly what I want to write about and place on this entry. Now it saddens me quite a bit that I am writing this post and that I am writing this post sooner than I ever even expected to do so. I am writing in hopes that I can use this entry as my coping mechanism. As being someone who holds onto things it is important for me to get rid of any negative energy that I have in conjunction with with recent events that have taken place this past weekend. I need to use this as an outlet. I have expressed many things about my life on my blog and wont stop. My life is an open book and I wont stop sharing pivotal moments in my life.
August 3, 2013 at 7:47 A.M. my grandmother took her last breath. I have so many thoughts that are running through my head right now. I am still in denial that my grandmother is not here anymore. I keep thinking that tomorrow morning when I go out to Waitsburg that my grandmother is going to be there waiting for me and that I will walk in and her dogs will all bark. She will ask me if I stopped at Starbucks for my tea and how my morning is going so far. I will ask her why grandpa is and she will let me know that he is out in Dixie doing great grandma’s lawn. The reality is that that is no more. The reality is that tomorrow when I go to grandma’s house that I am now just going to grandpas house. She will not be there to be able to to say good morning and ask me if I went to Starbucks this morning, and I will not get to ask her where grandpa went. Instead I will be there with my grieving mother and aunt and I will say goodbye to the visiting aunt and uncle who have come up for the events of this weekend. There is so much to be said. So many emotions and thoughts flooding my brain. I just cant believe that the day that we all knew was inevitable finally came and has gone.
Is it possible to still grieve if you have come to terms with reality? Or are you expected to stop grieving once you have come to terms with reality? And if whatever one is the case, am I expecting to come to terms too soon? I understand that we all do this at different speeds. What baffles me is that for once I did prepare myself for what I have been through. There is no preparation for watching a loved one die in front of your eyes. There is none. I can’t even express into words the feeling that go through your mind and I can’t even come to terms with the way in which she left.
I often wonder with so much technology and how far advanced we have come, why is it that we have not found a cure for the cancers that are out there? What is keeping this disease from not being stopped. I have wondered to myself many times this weekend too, what my ultimate end will be and if I will live to be the age that my grandmas was at the ripe old age of 80 or if I will develop cancer and suffer like I feel my grandmother did in her final hours.
I sit here at Starbucks this evening finding it extremely difficult to control my emotions and showing them in public. I have continuously fought back tears the entire night. I have not cried all day today but I know it’s coming. I know that I will have my moment tonight. I am depressed and don’t know what to feel. I have an emptiness inside of me. I don’t know how long I will have that emptiness. I can only imagine that I will not figure this out right away and that it will take some time to get this sorted mentally. I guess that’s fine. I guess that this is what living is about. It is what living in reality means. It means coming to terms with the fact that as a human being on earth we will be born into to only to die off of it. Where we go is dependent of our belief system.
It saddens me to no end, the way that she left this earth. She did not want to leave. She was stubborn until the bitter end when her angels came and took her away. I will never be the same for as long as I live on this earth.
RIP Grandma. Please be with me as I continue my journey. I hope to continue to make you proud. I think about you everyday.
“I hope you’re living a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald