I am finding it increasingly challenging to cope with the fact that Ted is not here. I thought that it would be easier but it isn’t. I have done this so many times before where I take him to the airport, drop him off and say see ya soon, I talk with him over the phone and then finally that day comes. I pick him up at the airport and it’s like he never left. We pick up where we left off and move on from there. I know how it feels to be by myself and I know how it feels to have him across the country working. I know the drill. So why is this time so hard?
I think that I know the answer.
For so long in our relationship I could count on the fact that he was going to be here. Right here waiting for me when I get home or here soon after an appointment. I think I took for granted this year that he has been home constantly an really didn’t take the time to enjoy every aspect of him. Dinner would be on the stove and clothes would be washed. He would be sitting on the couch reading his book or on his phone reading FOX News. Funny that it’s the little things that I envision when I think about him. It makes me realize all the bullshit that I have put him through isn’t worth it and that while he is away I need to work on how I can show my appreciation a little bit more. Now I don’t want anyone thinking that I don’t do anything for him because I do. I am just focusing on how I can show him some appreciation. I also think that it’s hard for me because I know how he is feeling right now. I know that he misses home and that he doesn’t necessarily want to be over there but he has to. He has to make money. I talk to him daily and get the progress reports and help him through it all. I wish I could be there to make things easier and better. I wish I could be the shoulder that he needs when the days are down. I need to see this time that I have apart from him as a learning experience and as a time to really reflect on my relationship and how much he means to me. I need to do this. Sitting around at home and being emotional and conjuring up thoughts is getting me absolutely nowhere. I need to realize this is a positive and leave it at that.
I just still can’t get that ache in my hear to go. It is just hard no matter how I switch my thought process.